Why Women Struggle. Why Prioritising Yourself Feels So Hard in Midlife.
A frustration I often hear from women in midlife is, “I know I need to look after myself, but somehow, everyone else’s needs come first.” We hear that self-care is essential, but many women still find it almost impossible to make it a priority. Why is that? The reason isn’t laziness or lack of willpower. It’s rooted in psychology, culture, and long-standing habits.
The early “rules” we live by
From childhood, many women are taught rules about being “good”:
– Put others first.
– Be helpful.
– Don’t be selfish.
These rules become part of us. Psychologists call them introjects: beliefs we accept without questioning. In midlife, when family, work, and caring for ageing parents all come together, these rules can guide our actions without us even noticing.
The result is often guilt when we try to put ourselves first. Many women believe their value comes from meeting others’ needs before their own.
The invisible workload
Sociologists call this the “second shift.” After finishing paid work, women often take on most of the household and emotional tasks. Organising, reminding, and keeping relationships running smoothly are usually invisible tasks, but very tiring.
By midlife, this hidden workload builds up. Even when a woman wants to focus on herself, her time and energy may already be used up.
The psychology of self-sacrifice
Research on self-silencing shows that women often learn to ignore their own needs to keep relationships peaceful. While this may help in the short term, over the long term, it can cause resentment, burnout, or even physical signs of stress.
Midlife often brings a turning point, when we realise we can’t keep giving without consequences. The body, through fatigue, anxiety, or illness, demands that we pay attention.
Why midlife changes everything
At this stage of life, many women face:
– Empty nest changes: with children grown, old routines lose their purpose.
– Workplace invisibility: being overlooked even with years of experience.
– Health transitions: perimenopause and menopause bring new challenges.
– Ageing parents: another layer of care and responsibility.
With all this happening, the old rules (*“put yourself last”*) start to feel impossible to keep. Still, breaking them can feel scary, as if putting yourself first means leaving others behind.
Rethinking “selfishness”
Here’s the truth: self-care is not selfish. It is the foundation for caring for anyone else. Psychologists describe this as moving from a dependent self (worth tied to others’ approval) to a more authentic self (worth tied to alignment with values).
When women start to see self-care as a responsibility instead of an indulgence, things begin to change. Here’s an exercise to try:
- Write down three “rules” you absorbed growing up about being a good woman, daughter, partner, or mother.
- Ask yourself: Do these still serve me? Or are they draining me?
- Choose one small thing this week that goes against an old rule, such as saying no without guilt or setting aside an hour just for yourself.
Please pay attention to how it feels. Most of the time, nothing bad happens, but you may feel more alive. Remember, it’s normal to feel uncomfortable or guilty at first when starting new habits. With time and practice, these feelings usually fade, and your new routines can improve your life.
The takeaway
Women’s struggle to prioritise themselves is the product of cultural scripts, invisible labour, and old rules we’ve carried too long.
Midlife is a great time to question these old habits. When you start to put yourself first, you don’t leave others behind; instead, you show what balance, strength, and honesty look like. It helps to share your needs clearly and kindly with your loved ones. Letting them know that self-care enables you to support everyone can make it easier to set healthy boundaries. You might say, “I’ve realised I need to take some time each week for self-care to be more present and supportive.” By doing this, you invite others to understand and support your journey toward well-being.
That’s not selfishness. That’s wisdom.
Why not take the Midlife Quiz to find out where you are in your midlife transition and how to support yourself.